From my last post, I can say that I didn't do what I said I would. Well in fact, I couldn't. I couldn't put behind me the fact that someone that I called my sister and brother actually didn't want to make amends asap. My husband tried again to make that phone call or text and well, the response was about the same. "No rush, whenever, and it isn't that important to us right now" is what I heard from the "We are busy but when we have time to get together, we will" answer.
So then it happened. Today when I was serving at church. I was singing along with the kids "Jesus loves me" and then I saw before my eyes, three or four little kids, hands up in the air, singing and waving their hands with all their might. Praising Jesus and with the smiles from ear to ear that you could only hope to have for Jesus your whole life. I could hear them at the top of their lungs "JESUS LOVES ME THIS I KNOW"... and then there it was. The kids that just reminded me even after all the times I have sang this song- the confirmation of Jesus' love for me. From the mouths of babes right?
So today after church service and after the kids had gone back to their classrooms, I am driving home alone, silent. I look up and the clouds are beautiful puffy white cotton candy and the sky bluer than I had ever seen, the breeze slipping through the crack in my window with a slight chill to my neck.
"Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so. I am weak and He is strong. So why do I care about someone that says that THEY don't love me through their actions? Why do I allow Satan to attack me in the night as David felt attacked? Why am I allowing these lies to fill my head and spending hours upon hours in grief about it? It is my baby's ONE Year birthday and Jesus loves me! I need to be celebrating!"
So there you have it. I am not wasting time on this anymore. I love my kids to much to waste the time grieving about it. I am wasting time breathing about it to my amazing husband. I am taking time away from the amazing friends that ask me to hang out only to decline the invitation because I don't trust anyone. I have Jesus. He has me and my issues. He knows my heart and how I have gone to Him about this situation. It is no longer mine. Period.
It is amazing to me that we, as mere people, like ants in a sense, can go before GOD- the creator of the universe and ask Him for help and He shows us immediately that He is in control. He shows us His grace and His mercy by so many wonderful things in our lives but we have to go looking.
Today at the birthday party I had for my daughter, I came across the photos that the teenage girls took on my camera. I was breath taken by this photo of my daughter because all week she has had to deal with my bad and sad mood about this situation.. Here she writes this, like God giving me a hall pass and a reminder that I am loved even by others... my own kids who I reside with in my own home even when I spend some ridiculous wasted time bent over it in front of them.
Thank you God for your grace and reminders of your love through others. Thank you for today. It is amazing that so many people came to the party to celebrate Sophia, which means that she is loved by so many people and You. Thank you again for allowing me to grieve but also allowing me to come before you and repent for being a grouch and an unpleasant person before you and the family you have given me. Thank you for my real friends, who, no matter what love me and don't hold anything against me.
1 John 4:16-So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
I love you, Amen.
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