Friday, February 7, 2014

A response to Jamie's "moldy cheese, loneliness and a hermit"

There is something about being lonely. I read a post from my new found friend Jamie from about "Meandering through moldy cheese on loneliness and being a hermit". I literally started crying.  It was exactly how I feel on occasions but even more so a few years ago. I never felt the courage to actually share the way I have felt until I read her post. 

I am the girl who in High School knew a lot of people and had a lot of friends. From High School to having kids etc, I never struggled through lack of friendships but more so in close knit relationships. I feel as though I look into the world and see what a "friendship" should look like and at 42, I should have one of those. Dreams of posting photos to Facebook and Instagramming about my amazing night with tears in my eyes adding some emotional quote about my close bestie. I never have bought a card for a close friend while shopping for greeting cards that would ever read "best friend" or "like a sister" as the way it seems it should be. More like "buddies" or "we love shoes" was in the title. 
In this past year, I have been alone, a lot. My husband works crazy hours and although I have enough to take care of and keep busy with my 5 yr old and 1 year old, there is something about the lack of a deep relationships that I keep asking God about.
I have been studying the life of David recently (Beth Moore- David- A Man After God's Own Heart) and through most of the Psalms, he has a web and flow (as you probably already know) that sounds a lot like we do.
Angry one minute, maybe lost in another, then sad in repentance, then rejoicing.
I have found peace knowing that God placed David in those places for a reason. As He has with us. I know that these past three years I have struggled in putting myself out there but I also feel that God has protected me as well. He knows what is best for me. I ask Him to fill my heart with the friendship euphoria that I feel I need. I have also asked Him to forgive me for not being more grateful for my husband (who is not a woman), but listens as well. I have asked Him that if this is where He has placed me, that I would find His shelter and His calm in this, to not allow Satan to make me think I am unloved or uncared for.
Somewhere in my journey, I decided to make a turn, whether left or right, to know more about God and the closer I get to Him it feels as though He has created something new in me. I don’t mesh with the women that I used to hang out with like we used to. Our conversations are not the same. Although I am grateful for the lives we shared at the time that God placed us together, I am in need of something deeper than the parties, the hanging out with our kids, talking about cleaning products and who has the newest latest thing. I want our time to be rejoicing and sharing what He has done in our lives but to also connect in what we learn about Him. Going out and buying those greeting cards would have so much more meaning and it wouldn't have to read "cause we love wine". 
Recently, I have searched out some older women in church and put myself out there to be a sponge and have met some really amazing women. We don’t have the closest relationships as I would like to have but I have been thankful for these moments I do have. I have the ability to learn from these ladies that know so much about life. They have opened their hearts to share about the Jesus we all love.  From the testimonies to their open book of hurts, battles and triumphs, I am indeed blessed. Currently, I lead worship for a large women’s group, I teach Sunday school and sing with a pretty popular contemporary Christian artist, I am involved in all kinds of activities and know all the “popular” women in church. Although I thought that maybe some of this “popularity” would grant me a few close friends, it has done the opposite but given me the opportunity to have THE BEST friend, Jesus.
When I pray and ask God for this type of friendship, the response always comes back "IN TIME". So then I wait on Him because His timing is best. 

“Whatever God is urging you to clear away cannot begin to be compared to what He ultimately wants to bring you.”