Sunday, March 9, 2014

Mouth of Babes and Babies...

From my last post, I can say that I didn't do what I said I would. Well in fact, I couldn't.  I couldn't put behind me the fact that someone that I called my sister and brother actually didn't want to make amends asap.  My husband tried again to make that phone call or text and well, the response was about the same.  "No rush, whenever, and it isn't that important to us right now" is what I heard from the "We are busy but when we have time to get together, we will" answer. 

So then it happened.  Today when I was serving at church.  I was singing along with the kids "Jesus loves me" and then I saw before my eyes, three or four little kids, hands up in the air, singing and waving their hands with all their might.  Praising Jesus and with the smiles from ear to ear that you could only hope to have for Jesus your whole life. I could hear them at the top of their lungs "JESUS LOVES ME THIS I KNOW"... and then there it was.  The kids that just reminded me even after all the times I have sang this song- the confirmation of Jesus' love for me. From the mouths of babes right? 

So today after church service and after the kids had gone back to their classrooms, I am driving home alone, silent. I look up and the clouds are beautiful puffy white cotton candy and the sky bluer than I had ever seen, the breeze slipping through the crack in my window with a slight chill to my neck. 

"Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so. I am weak and He is strong. So why do I care about someone that says that THEY don't love me through their actions?  Why do I allow Satan to attack me in the night as David felt attacked?  Why am I allowing these lies to fill my head and spending hours upon hours in grief about it? It is my baby's ONE Year birthday and Jesus loves me!  I need to be celebrating!" 

So there you have it.  I am not wasting time on this anymore.  I love my kids to much to waste the time grieving about it.  I am wasting time breathing about it to my amazing husband.  I am taking time away from the amazing friends that ask me to hang out only to decline the invitation because I don't trust anyone.  I have Jesus.  He has me and my issues.  He knows my heart and how I have gone to Him about this situation.  It is no longer mine. Period. 

It is amazing to me that we, as mere people, like ants in a sense, can go before GOD- the creator of the universe and ask Him for help and He shows us immediately that He is in control. He shows us His grace and His mercy by so many wonderful things in our lives but we have to go looking. 
Today at the birthday party I had for my daughter, I came across the photos that the teenage girls took on my camera. I was breath taken by this photo of my daughter because all week she has had to deal with my bad and sad mood about this situation.. Here she writes this, like God giving me a hall pass and a reminder that I am loved even by others... my own kids who I reside with in my own home even when I spend some ridiculous wasted time bent over it in front of them. 

Thank you God for your grace and reminders of your love through others.  Thank you for today. It is amazing that so many people came to the party to celebrate Sophia, which means that she is loved by so many people and You.  Thank you again for allowing me to grieve but also allowing me to come before you and repent for being a grouch and an unpleasant person before you and the family you have given me.  Thank you for my real friends, who, no matter what love me and don't hold anything against me. 

1 John 4:16-So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

I love you, Amen. 

Thursday, March 6, 2014

I am forgiven, accepted, alive and well...

It is 3:30 am.  I have been up since 1:00 am tossing and turning over this stupid situation that I have been grieving over.  So instead of letting Satan have some grip over me, I am going to explain and then call it a day. 

First, I know who I am.  I know my faults and I know the things that I struggle with each day.  I know that I have a mouth that gets me into trouble.  I know that I find comfort in venting to the wrong people about the wrong things. But most of all I KNOW that I am real.  I say it like it is and I don't hide who I am. With that, let's begin with the reason I am up at the crack of dawn.. 

In January, my friend's husband requested me on Facebook to be his friend.  I have had some really weird stuff go on with having men on my Facebook.  Let's just say I was judged for what a man said to me and then a woman who accused my post to sound flirtatious.  Either way, I was feeling that maybe, I should just delete all the people that I don't really talk to and also the men that I probably could afford to take off my page. So all the men, with the exception of my son, family and one or two male friends that my husband knows are deleted. 

So when this friend's husband requested me, he also sent me a FB message.  He asked if I would ask my husband if he would like to attend a men's bible study.  I told my husband, who happened to be sitting next to me, and he gave me the answer in which I typed.  After about three days, this man proceeded to text my husband the same questions that he had asked me on FB.  My husband asked me what I replied to him, (maybe thinking that I did not respond) and I told him. 

To eliminate confusion, I communicated to my friend's husband that it is probably better if I leave my FB page the way I had it and not have men on there. If he "would like to contact my husband", he could "friend him and talk to him there". I proceeded to delete him and then carried on. 

Over the next week, I started to notice that when I would send a message, post or text to my friend, she would not respond. I knew that they had adoption/birthday celebrations coming up and because I had offered to help out, I sent a message and to no response. I wasn't going to be able to attend the birthday party only because my kids all have their birthdays the same week.  So then I let her know that we changed the date and I asked if we would still be able to attend. She didn't respond. The next time I left a message I contacted her on FB.  She sent me a message and said her husband was hurt however he had not contacted me or said anything for over a month.  I asked if we could talk and I sent him an apology as well. 

So here I am, trying to figure out what I did so completely horribly wrong to this man and my friend that I would now be blocked from both their accounts with no explanation.  I have prayed and asked for guidance and in all honesty after the messages that I sent to both of them that I am sorry- I see that they do not care if we are friends or not.  My husband made the last effort by calling and texting her husband to ask if we could all meet up- no response. 

So here is my take (on a few things).  They are Christians.  We are Christians.  We are called to forgive. Jesus died for that. Even if I had spit in their child's face, we are called to forgive. No matter what. I can only ask and beg if need be, to ask for forgiveness.  Why would someone want me to have to go that far though? If they loved me like a brother or sister, why? 

As Christians- if we believe in the Bible and we are called to love each other as a sister or brother..  The Bible states in Luke 3-Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

So I asked what I did, so that I could be rebuked and set straight, and nothing.  So how is it that I would be set free from this if I don't even know what I did?  How is it that I can see this as "loving?"  I can't.  They have been my "brother and sister" since 2006.  My heart is aching with pain that I have hurt them.  I don't know if they spoke with someone or if there is something I posted or said.  I can't even comprehend what I did.  I am beginning to feel as if they really just wanted a way out of the friendship.  

So instead of believing any lies, I go to the Lord again.. 

The bible says in Colossians- "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive".

So then I got up this morning- sad and frustrated.  I started writing all this crazy stuff on Facebook to both of them. Then I started writing a post to put it out there and ask my friends how they would handle it.  Then I realized... "Why am I asking my friends on Facebook? Ask God, He has all the correct answers. Seek FIRST God in my troubles".  
So I did, then the post from my Facebook came down, then my question to a friend was deleted and I felt better that I was getting past Satan's thoughts and getting back to God's thoughts. Then it came upon me. "I don't care". I don't care what people think of me.  I am doing the right thing.  I am serving God, my family, others.  I am repenting for anything that I am doing wrong.  I am loving and I am kind.  I am in a process of being refined by the King of King and the Lord of Lords and I am tired of getting the approval of people who harshly judge my life and allow me to struggle in the middle of the night. 

Satan wants me to be up in ridicule of myself.  He wants me to think that I am some horrible person and that I am not good enough to even be a friend.  I even had thoughts of my past and the things I had already said sorry for with other people.  I questioned my mothering, I questioned my ability to be a good daughter and a good sister- all over this? at 3am? Ridiculous! 

So I am NOT going to let Satan rule over my mind and my heart! I am not going to sit here and feel bad for something that I did or did not do! I am not going to sit here and take anymore time away from my sleep. I have a family to serve with all that I got! I need my rest. 

So I approach the Lord again-

"Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger". So instead of the sun going down in this verse- I will not let the sun come up with my anger....

Thank you Father for your help this morning.  I am hoping that you will refresh my mind today and that you would allow me to be able to do the things I need to do and not feel like I am in bondage to whatever it is that they are struggling with.  I come before you with an open heart, thankful for your forgiveness and thankful to your obedient servants that love you and love me! I am grateful that I do have you to turn to and I only need to seek your Word for answers.  I am thankful that you remind me in your Word that I am cherished and lavished in your Spirit.  I am grateful for Psalm 139. 
I am sorry for ever doubting you and not looking to you first.  I seek you in my life to help me. 
I am worthy.  I am loved.  I should not feel shame.  I am a part of your plan.  You defend me.  You desire a relationship with me.  You are loyal and forgiving.  You see my heart and you love me anyways.  Help me to pray for not only myself but for my friends. 

Bring your beautiful sun up today and your beautiful Son into my heart today.  May I be forgiven for my shortcomings and may I forgive those who hurt me. May I NEVER forget my first love. 

Mark 11:25-And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”

In Jesus,