The end of the school year is here. I guess I was thinking that there would be this huge celebration or I would actually get some kind of reward for those early mornings of shuffling my 5 yr old to school or maybe I would have some kind of relief that it was over. Neither happened. Begin the pity party.
I am actually sad that this year is over for Junior Kindergarten. I feel like Mati is ready for a fun summer however I feel as if God isn't done with me in the area of patience and joy.
I lacked joy this semester at school. I could fake it when I got there; saying "hello" to all the moms and smiling when I saw the teacher when really my heart was saying "God, I already did this once before. Why the heck am I here again trucking kids to school and stressing out each morning? What is in this for me?"
God's answer...*silence
That's right. I hear nothing. I hear Him through my alone time with Him in the mornings after drop off as I swim a mile in the pool. I hear Him when I am taking a shower, when Sophia is napping as I wait for Mati to get out of school only 4 hours later. I hear Him tell me to keep going, "fight the fight and run the race". I am beat, I am tired and I am broken through this semester of educating myself through real living joy in Christ.
Christ was a joyous man. He was funny. He had disciples that were close friends. I am sure they cracked a few jokes every once in awhile. But then I think, "We are supposed to suffer like Him, right?" When I go through these mornings of pity parties and not wanting to have children (don't lie we all have that moment) and just live in freedom of our selfish flesh. Then being unloving and miserable around my husband and just tired... I have to go back to the cross. Where is this Jesus that I claim to have in my life? He is the One that died WITH JOY on the cross to love us unconditionally. His love for us is the ultimate joy that we are to carry around on crazy hair days, baby blow out days, eating mac and cheese days.
It is the response to the miserable mess ups and the look our children give us when they are in a mood. How can I be better at my response in my lack of joy? First, I turn to the TRUTH. God's truth. He loves me. He created a place for me to dwell amongst Him. He chose me to love and live like His Son. He died for the brokenness of my stupid confused heart. I have to turn to what I believe in what is TRUE to me and His promises.
He believes in me. He knows that this time with Him isn't wasted, no matter the trial, the struggle, the tears and the succeeding in the first semester of school with Mati.
In Psalm 139- I can never forget how HE knows my waking... so that means He knows when I am a grouch! He knows me in my sorrow...so He knows me when I am so tired and beat from doing this alone! He also promises that He will provide and my husband has been working ALOT...so if God is providing, no matter what it looks like, my response should be joy.
Three little letters and One BIG GOD. I can do this.
God said "When troubles come your way, consider it pure joy."
Thank you Jesus.
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